Last Letter to You

I got news the other day. News that you went away. A lot of things went through my mind in that moment. A lot of things still are. And even though I know you’ll probably never read this, I’m writing it to get the burden off my heart.

It’s hard to imagine what I’ll be doing for the next 20 years. Hopefully starting a family of my own, travelling the world, or fulfilling one of my other big dreams…but you? I know where you’ll be. Right where you belong. Just 6 months ago I believed every word you said. I thought one day you’d be the one I shared my dreams with. But I learned quickly who you really are. You had me fooled. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, doing anything I could to make you happy. But that wasn’t realistic. It wasn’t in God’s plan for me. There are two years I gave to you and can’t get back, but I have  more to look forward to, that you don’t have. And as much as it still hurts, I thank God He got me out before you could hurt me anymore. I haven’t had enough time to heal, but I KNOW I will. I know I’ll be completely over you and all you did. I won’t let you keep me as your victim. I’m above that. And I AM good enough.

There won’t be a day that goes by that I can easily forget you. It’s a conscious effort each day to put you out of my mind. But I don’t want to forget you, and maybe that’s not what I need to do. I need instead, to keep you in mind, and in prayer. I’m sorry it had to come to this. I’m sorry you ended up where you did. I still wish it could have been different, but it can’t. It won’t. I want to learn to pray for you again. It’s in a different way now than it was just 6 months ago. I used to pray you’d love me as much as I loved you. I used to pray you’d give me a chance to show you I wouldn’t hurt you, that I was good enough, and all you needed. Now I must pray to forgive you. I pray my heart will mend from the breaks you put in it. I pray for peace and understanding, and to love you again. To love you the way I should, but not the way I did before. And I want to pray you truly find yourself in Christ again and accept responsibility for those you’ve hurt.

You were an amazing person when we met. The most wonderful person it seemed I’d ever known. It saddens me deeply to know how you’ve changed. To know there was still a little bit of love in you before, and now it seems its gone. Everyone tells me things like, “He’s no longer your problem,” and “You need to just move on. You’re better off without him.” And while those things are somewhat true (I do need to move on and let myself heal), I never could see you as a problem or believe even myself when I thought, “Good, I’m glad he’s gone.” I tried that approach, but it isn’t me. I want to forgive you, remember the good times we had, and continue to pray for you. I know some of the things I said here earlier were harsh, but I’m learning to say how I really feel. To stand up for myself and put my needs and my heart first.

The things you’ve done were horrible and wrong. Nothing can justify them, and I won’t begin to try. But deep down inside, I know you need help. You need God’s love and forgiveness, and we both need for me to forgive you. And so right here and now, I forgive you. I won’t forget, but I completely forgive you. Maybe one day you’ll know this. Maybe you won’t. But I’m ready to completely move on now. I’m ready to truly let go and to stop wondering what I did so wrong or why I wasn’t good enough for you. Because I know the truth is I did nothing wrong. You just weren’t who God has planned for me.

(For anyone who IS reading this: I know things seem all over the place with my emotions, and in all honesty, it’s because they are. I’ve been through the anger, the hurt, the sadness. I’ve felt it all. And now I feel like maybe I’ve said it all. It may not make sense to you, but I know what it means. And he knows too.)

-Leah

The Christian Atheist

Yesterday I bought an eBook titled “The Christian Atheist: Believing in God, but living as if He doesn’t exist” by Craig Groeschel. He’s actually a pastor in Edmond. I’ve been to Life Church a few times and heard him preach, but I didn’t realize he was so widely known, or that he’d written any books. He’s even on Wikipedia! I heard about the book from a stranger actually. I said in my last post that I’ve felt the pull of God more and more lately, and that I’m determined to really know Him, so when I heard about this book, I decided it was a good place to start (other than the Bible of course) learning how to have a REAL relationship with Christ.

Now here I am, not even halfway through the first chapter and the book has obviously been written about me. It’s about my life, and my lack of a real relationship with God. I believe in Him. I always have. But as Craig asks, “Do you believe or do you KNOW Him?” No, I absolutely don’t know Him. I know all the things I’m supposed to say and do, I know what people have told me, but really how well does that work out when you start a relationship with someone? Going into it with preconceived notions formed on someone’s opinion, believing simply what you want or have heard about a person doesn’t leave you open enough to truly get to know them.

I’m eager to really know Christ. To have a real relationship and know what love really is about. I know that really knowing and being intimate with God is what I need. I know it will further my relationships with family and friends, and will make me truly ready for a relationship with a significant other. The one He has waiting for me. I really think this is the answer to my constant question, “Where is my boyfriend/future husband? Why am I still alone?” It’s because to truly have a great relationship with someone, I first need one with GOD!!!

I am ready to let my heart get so lost in God, that man has to seek Him to find me!!! I’m truly excited and hungry for this journey. Stay tuned for more from this book and my devotions!

I Peter 3:8-18 Loving Others As Christ Loves Us

I’ve been saved since I was in 5th grade. But I’ve never had the discipline to read my Bible daily, or to really WORK on my relationship with Christ. Just as relationships with other humans takes work and effort, I realize it is the same for my relationship with Christ. I’ve felt the pull of God to be closer and to read the Word more, but have yet to do anything about it. As I feel Him pull more each day, I can’t ignore it. I feel no satisfaction at ignoring Him and being idle in my walk. And just as it does no good to be healthy in body if you sit around and do nothing, a relationship can’t grow and be strong and healthy if you ignore and neglect it. So today I changed that. I read a devotional and Scripture, and I’ve decided to blog about it as my daily devotional journal.

Today’s Scripture is I Peter 3:8-18. I’ve included it below.

1 Peter 3:8-18  Finally, all of you should agree and have concern and love for each other. You should also be kind and humble.  (9)  Don’t be hateful and insult people just because they are hateful and insult you. Instead, treat everyone with kindness. You are God’s chosen ones, and he will bless you. The Scriptures say,  (10)  ”Do you really love life? Do you want to be happy? Then stop saying cruel things and quit telling lies.  (11)  Give up your evil ways and do right, as you find and follow the road that leads to peace.  (12)  The Lord watches over everyone who obeys him, and he listens to their prayers. But he opposes everyone who does evil.”  (13)  Can anyone really harm you for being eager to do good deeds?  (14)  Even if you have to suffer for doing good things, God will bless you. So stop being afraid and don’t worry about what people might do.  (15)  Honor Christ and let him be the Lord of your life. Always be ready to give an answer when someone asks you about your hope.  (16)  Give a kind and respectful answer and keep your conscience clear. This way you will make people ashamed for saying bad things about your good conduct as a follower of Christ.  (17)  You are better off to obey God and suffer for doing right than to suffer for doing wrong.  (18)  Christ died once for our sins. An innocent person died for those who are guilty. Christ did this to bring you to God, when his body was put to death and his spirit was made alive.

It doesn’t get much more straight forward than this. God say to do right, love others, and not worry about what others will say and do. This will make you happy. All my life, I’ve searched for happiness in superficial relationhips, in food, in things…and the truth is (although I’ve known all along), these things don’t bring happiness and joy. Only God can. I’ve got to discipline myself and follow Christ every single day. I have to wake up and choose to read my Bible, choose to pray without ceasing, choose to love others and to love Christ. And most of all, I have to trust Him. I have to honestly and truly give up all control. I’ve already proven I can’t do it myself anyway, so why am I still trying?

This is my prayer for today…

Lord help me to be a light and do what is good. Let others see your Joy and Light in me, and let them want what I have and want in You. Draw me closer each day, and help me to be disciplined and faithful. I feel you pulling at my heart, and I’m answering Your call to follow. I’m eager and hungry for more of You. Thank You for blessing me beyond what I deserve. For Your Grace and Mercy I am greatful. Remind me each day what You have done for me, and what I should do for others through You.
-Amen

Are We Loving Like Christ or Beating It Into Them?

Do the people of Westboro Baptist Church TRULY believe all the bad things happening to people are the wrath of God? Yes, the Bible says He is a Jealous God, but don’t they see His Love is greater than any? Do they really think God actually KILLS people to punish us? How can they PRAISE Him when children are beat up by bullies, soldiers are killed in war, and most recently, a young girl is killed in a sledding ACCIDENT?! It is our job as Christians to share the LOVE of God. Not to judge and condemn others to Hell. They have no right just as you and I have no right to say who is going to Heaven or Hell. Only God can decide!! Picketing this young girl’s funeral today is NO way to show people who God is and get them to believe in him. It’s only going to hurt others, and make people more hesitant to follow Christ. It would be hard to convince me or anyone I know to follow God, lest He kill you. I just don’t believe that is the way to spread the Word. Yes, everyone needs to know about His Jealousy and His Wrath but following Christ should not be BEATEN into people. The way they put down and curse at people is so beyond Christ-like, it makes my heart bleed for those who have yet to come to Christ. What will they think of Christianity? Will they ever follow? I can sayI doubt I ever would have believed or turned my heart over to Him, had someone like these people of WBC gotten to me, and tried to beat it into me.

Hungry

I’ve been listening to Christian music a lot lately. The more I listen, the more I want. I can’t get enough. I change to contemporary stations, and they don’t do as much for me as I used to think they did. A few days ago, I was listening to Pandora before I began my morning routine at work, and Joy Williams “Hungry” came on. We used to sing it in the church I went to in High School. It was one of my favorite worship songs, and still is. I haven’t heard or sang it in forever, but this morning I replayed it twice, and as I blog now, I’m listening again. I realize as I listen, I’m hungry for God. I was going to simply share the link to the song on YouTube, but I think I want to share the lyrics. (note: I don’t own these lyrics or any other I have blogged or may blog in the future)

“Hungry, I come to You
For I know You satisfy
I am empty but I know
Your love does not run dry

Chorus:
So I wait for You
So I wait for You

I’m falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus, You’re all this heart
Is living for

Broken, I run to You
For Your arms are open wide
I am weary but I know
Your touch restores my life

Chorus

I’m falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus, You’re all this heart
Is living for

Hungry, I come to You
For I know You satisfy
I am empty but I know
Your love does not run dry”

Healing bodies, but breaking your own heart

There’s really no way to separate your feelings in healthcare, no matter how hard you try. It’s a career that is fully involved in your life. It’s physcial, mental, and emotional every single day. But if you’re a nurse and you know what it’s like, you wouldn’t trade it for the world. Even on the bad days. Because it feels so amazing to know you’ve changed someones life, even if it’s only in the smallest way. The biggest reward from a patient is simply seeing them walk away from the hospital, healthy again.

“It is a gift (as a nurse) that a patient allows you to enter their lives at a very fragile time, and serve them. Nothing feels better to a nurse than to have a patient feel comforted by your presence, at peace within their hearts, and the heartfelt compassion from the providers that are at their bedsides. It never hurts either to have them or their families say, “thanks for taking such good care of my loved one”. Yea Nurses! We stand together (not taking ourselves too seriously, because deep down inside of each of us, we know, “God’s will be done”)”

Kindly Unspoken by Kate Voegle

As high as the moon
So high were my spirits
When you sang out my name

And coming from you
It was enough just to hear it
Oh, it rang like the bells did today

But even the sturdiest ground
Can shift and can tremble and let us fall down…

Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
And silence speaks louder than words
It’s lucky I’m clever
Cause if I didn’t know better
I’d believe only that which I’d heard

In the days of my folly
I followed your rules
Did what Simon Says to do

But I won’t let melancholy
Play me for a fool
Oh, no I’m on my way somewhere new

And as far as your lack of something to say
Well, to tell me goodbye there was no better way

Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
And silence speaks louder than words
It’s lucky I’m clever
Cause if I didn’t know better
I’d believe only that which I’d heard

Bridge:

So don’t keep me up till the dawn
With words that’ll keep leading me on
I know much better than to wait for an answer from you

Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
And silence speaks louder than words
It’s lucky I’m clever
‘Cause if I didn’t know better
I’d believe only that which I’d heard

Too many times in the past few years, I’ve been “kindly unspoken” to. And even not so kindly. Somehow I’ve got to learn to stand up for myself and make the rules. Let’s make it a resolution. Along with the resolution I have to be more active and healthy (along with the rest of the cliche’ world)….

Ink

I was raised in a Southern Baptist family. If you are, or know anyone who is Baptist, you know tattoos are a big issue. The Old Testament Law says not to mark or cut your body. Believers are no longer held under the old laws, but the New Testament does not specifically state whether or not tattoos and piercings are forbidden. I Corinthians 10:31 says whatever you do, do it for the Glory of the Lord. Romans 14:23 says whatever is not done in faith, is sin.

August 13, 2009, I got my first tattoo. I had been contemplating for a couple of years on what to get. I knew I wanted one, I just couldn’t decide what to get. What would I want forever? I think this is a common problem for tattoo virgins, and maybe even people who have multiple tattoos. Eventually, I came up with something I wanted. It’s simple, but it means a lot. It’s a heart with the Scripture reference I Corinthians 13:4-8 positioned on my lower back. I know this is considered a “tramp stamp” by a lot of people, but I don’t see it that way. It’s just where I decided to put it. Not only was this my first tattoo, but also my best friend, Whitney’s. We both got them a day after her 21st birthday.

I know it’ s not the best picture, but there it is. Six months later, on January 13th to be exact, we walked into Altered Images Tattoo studio for a second time. I was excited and a little nervous for my second tattoo. I had decided on a fleur de lis on my right foot. I love damask, fleurs de lis, chandeliers, etc. It’s all so elegant and chic. So, I wanted something along those lines. But first I wanted to know origins and meanings of these symbols before I decided to put them permanently on my body. My first one was obvious. Hello, it’s Scripture! I also said any tattoos I got would some way relate to my spirit and relationship with Christ, regardless of how much I need to work on it, I want to honor Him. So in research of the fleur de lis, I learned many things. “It may be ‘at one and the same time, political, dynastic, artistic, emblematic, and symbolic’, especially in heraldry,” according to www.wikipedia.com. It’s been used in many European countries for coats of arms and flags, especially in France. Wikipedia.com also states that “According to French historian Georges Duby, the three leaves represent the medieval social classes: those who worked, those who fought and those who prayed.”

The literal translation of fleur de lis is “lily flower.” I also learned that the fleur de lis represents the Holy Trinity, each petal representing Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.  It’s also noted that they represent faith, wisdom, and chivalry. Upon learning this, I decided it really was right for me. Placement meant a little more this time, as I sometimes wish I’d considered a little more carefully where I put the first one. I thought about it for a long time, and decided on my right foot. I chose right and not left to remind myself always to do things the right way, and to seek God first, as it’s the right path. Here is a picture of this work of art.

All of the “tribal” in the right side was free-handed by my tattoo artist. He was amazing. I saw a picture of my feet the other day without my tattoo, and it seemed weird. This tattoo is about to have a birthday, and I can’t imagine anything better to have placed there. I don’t regret the decision at all. As soon as I was finished, and watching Whitney get her second tattoo, I already began planning my next adventures in ink. I know, I know, they say it’s addicting, and I think it’s true. I think about it all the time. I always want another. I’ve got four more planned already. I only need the money for three and to meet a personal goal and have the money for the fourth. Crazy right? So I’d decided after the fleur de lis, I was going to get some sort of damask on the back of my neck, and later decided I also wanted “L’amore vince tutto” on my left foot. It translates from Italian to say “Love conquers all.”  The one for which I must meet a personal goal is going to be a vintage, French crown with the quote from William Shakespeare, “My crown is in my heart, not on my head; Not decked with diamonds and Indian stones, Nor to be seen: my crown is called content: A crown it is that seldom kings enjoy.” It is from his play, King Henry VI, Part III, Act III. I’ve not read or seen the play, but it is spiritual. I’m also considering the scripture Matthew 6:20 “Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal.”

I realize I’ve only listed three of the four tattoos I want. That is because the next one is really special. Sparrow necklaces have become really popular lately, and I found myself wanting one. I searched for the meaning of a sparrow, and came up with several things. The one thing I found that made me want one tattoed was, of course, its symbolism in Scripture. Matthew 10:29-31 states, “29Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. 30And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” When I’m feeling alone and forgotten, which is a lot, I think of the sparrow. I know God loves me just as much as he loves a tiny sparrow, and that I’m not alone or forgotten. So I’ve decided although my other tattoos are going to be wonderful, it’s important in this part of my life to get this one. So I plan to get it in January. Here is my inspiration for the design…

I want the bird to look like the bottom picture, and I want the swirls, similar to the one in the top to come from the tail of the sparrow and surround her somehow. I’ll probably have to work with my artist to get it just right, but I know when it is, it will be perfect. I’m really excited about this next tattoo. It’s going to be on my left wrist. Only a few more weeks and it’ll be permanently with me. I can hardly wait!!

(By the way, in case anyone wants to read more about the fleur de lis {and there is a lot}, here is the link to Wikipedia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fleur-de-lis

Her Perfect Life…

SO I hardly blog enough, much less twice in one day, but this cousin about whom I spoke earlier. I can’t seem to get her out of my head today. I was looking through her pictures on FB a few minutes ago, and although I’m incredibly happy for her, it makes me sad for myself. She seems to have the perfect life. She’s smiling and/or laughing in every picture. They’re like a perfect, commercial couple. Pictures all over the place of them laughing, holding hands, exploring, just living as one. Completing each other. She’s about to have a baby, she’s married, finished with school. She’s got the life of her dreams already, and I’m still struggling. Why do some people get all they want, and it seems so easy, while the rest of us struggle and fight ourselves every single day?

I know I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself. As a nurse, especially one to a little girl with CP, I know things could be much worse. I’ve worked rehab before. I’ve seen the physical and emotional effects of strokes, brain hemmorrhages, and even what seem to be simple orthopedic issues. Trust me, they’re not always simple. I try to remind myself everyday that there are far more people struggling with more than I am. And yet, I still want what I don’t have. Why? Why can’t I be content? Why can’t I push myself to be better if I’m not happy with me? How do I find my perfect life?

Barely Holding on to You

It’s hard to be patient when I see all my friends and family getting married and having babies. I know I’m nowhere near ready for kids yet. So much I want to do and explore. But I’d like to be on that path anyway. Everyone tells me I’ll be such an amazing mother one day, but I don’t see it happening anytime soon. I know that once it does, it will seem like it was so fast, but right now it’s like time stands still in that part of my life.

This morning I read my cousin’s blog, as I always do when she posts. She’s married to a wonderful, handsome man, and they’re expecting their first child this spring. Today her post was about joy. It was a short post, but so full of love and happiness. She seems to have the perfect life. The part in her blog that made my heart ache most was this…”First I see my new bigger-than-it-was-yesterday belly. I feel a small little kick and I reminded of the little human growing inside me. Joy.” It’s a feeling I long for. A warm home with a loving husband; a place to grow happy children. To feel a baby grow inside me, knowing I had a part in creating this tiny life.

I know I have to have faith and patience. I have to turn it over to God, and let it go until His will is ready for me. I’m blessed beyond belief as it is. Yet I long for more. I need to learn contentment. I can think back to very few moments when I was perfectly content with everything, and I know that’s not neccesarily a good thing.

As I write this blog, “Broken” by Lifehouse comes on Pandora. It’s perfect for the way I feel today.

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like You’ve already figured out

I’m falling apart, I’m barely breathing
With a broken heart that’s still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In Your Name I find meaning
So I’m holdin’ on, I’m holdin’ on, I’m holdin’ on
I’m barely holdin’ on to You

The broken locks were a warning You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I’m an open book instead
I still see Your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they’re still looking for life

I’m falling apart, I’m barely breathing
with a broken heart that’s still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In Your name (in Your name) I find meaning
So I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’)
I’m barely holdin’ on to You

I’m hangin’ on another day
Just to see what You throw my way
And I’m hanging on to the words You say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven’t forgotten my way Home

I’m falling apart, I’m barely breathing
with a broken heart that’s still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In Your name I find meaning
So I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’),
I’m barely holdin’ on to You

I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’), I’m holdin’ on (I’m still holdin’),
I’m barely holdin’ on to You

I hold on to God, but barely. I need a tighter grip. I’ve always loved this song, but I’ve never really read all the lyrics and felt them as if they were  from my own heart. How do I truly guard my heart? How do I really hold on to God? I don’t know how to give it all up. To give away the control…I’m barely holding on. I feel myself slipping…